Tomorrow is Halloween, and I LOVE Halloween like any good witch worth her broomstraw, but I tell you, there are A LOT of assholes and dimwits (no, that is not a new country music group) out there making it really tough not to roundhouse kick them in the head! So, people, let me just explain to you a few of the reasons why I'm going to knock someone the fuck out, that way, when you regain consciousness, you'll know why. I'll number the reasons, because it's fun and it's my blog, so I'll do what I want. Got it?
1) The Whorification of Halloween. The ancient Pagans/Celts/Druids and other peoples who began Samhain (the real name for what is now known as Halloween) did not go out shopping at the local polyester and toxic vinyl mask mass marketing shops to persuse the plethora of ass length Alice in Hookerland or Spongebob Whorepants costumes to get in touch with their inner slut (and trust me, there's an inner slut in all of us!). No, we didn't! So why do women, who have valiantly struggled for years to be taken as seriously as the penis persuasion, decide that on Halloween the best choice for "dressing up" would be something ass length paired with a corset, fishnets and high heels? I myself love corsets, fishnets, high heels and dresses, not ass length dresses, but this isn't about what's in my closet, is it? I'm aware that it's the right of every person of legal voting age to whore up at will, but what really chaps my ass is how many girls at my daughter's elementary school were all whored up for the Halloween parade on Friday! Little girls in ass length costumes complete with fishnets and corsets? I don't understand what's going through a parent's mind (or place where their mind would be if they had one) when they whorify the baby girls and send them to school [un]dressed like that? Hmm...we can dress our 10year olds like women who get paid via dollar bills shoved in their g-strings and send them out in the dark to ask for candy from strangers? What's the worst that could happen?
That kind of decision making skill takes buttfuckery to a whole new level! Moving on---->
2) Witches being portrayed as gnarled and hunched and green and warty. I do not have a long twisty nose, pointed chin, warts, and I'm not green. Witches aren't bad, just so you all know. We are amongst you every place you go. Paganism isn't contagious, it's not Satanic, it's not bad, evil, we don't sacrifice anything, even on Halloween, plus, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find virgins around Halloween what with everyone all tarted up? Sheesh! So skip over that inaccurate portrayal of witches for your Halloween decorations and perhaps go with something TRULY frightening, maybe a life sized cut out of Sarah Palin? That would scare the living crap out of me, that's for certain!
3) The churches being so determined to steal EVERYTHING the Pagans do by branding their October 31 events as "Harvest Festivals" and making claims that one and all can come enjoy a family friendly night free from all of those scary witches and Pagan types. If the Pagans and our celebrations & rituals make you uncomfortable, why do you keep ripping them off? I'm sorry, I ended my sentence with a preposition. Why do you keep ripping them off, assholes? It's a Pagan holiday, for crap's sake. Then again, pretty much all of the holidays celebrated nowadays were ripped off from the happy dancing pagans. Why would this one be any different?
Ok boys and girls, I should pace myself. I've most likely offended quite a few folks with this rant-o-rama. I told you I didn't know how to behave. I'm a boat rocker, but I'm an excellent swimmer!